Posted by: hypomanic | June 30, 2010

My last nervous breakdown – one year later

Tonight it is one year to the day since my last nervous breakdown. Before that it was nine years dating back to March 26th 2000. I really wanted to make the ten year window but fate had other ideas. I spent the summer of 2009 recovering in a mental health facility in Hertfordshire on a six month section after being taken there voluntary albeit by Ambulance and displaying ‘intimidating behaviour’ towards some of the nurses.

When I’m really ill my imagination takes on it’s own volition, like it is separate from my psyche – sort of like when you have a dream and you experience being in the audience whilst concurrently being in the action of a movie presentation played out in the mind’s eye. When my imagination separates from me, it often presents fantasies which are quite frankly petrifying – scenarios which intimidate with the threat of death or the depths of human depravity.
Because of mass media I know the terrible things we are capable of as a race and all those horrors are there in my head, there for my imagination to use against me. Basically, when I’m psychotic I torture myself and during the episode anyone around me will witness disturbing behaviour so as a consequence will feel threatened.
It is such a painful paradox when you try to live a clean, careful life and yet your brain chemistry shifts during stress and before medical intervention is made aware of it, the episode has traversed your lithium preventative measures and you’re fighting to hold on to your sanity. And thats if you’re even conscious you’re in a fight. Especially for someone with a fertile imagination.

After seven weeks my section was lifted, I was discharged and rehabilitated, back home with my patient, loving wife and daughter. My kind and generous employer kept my job open (on full-pay) during those difficult seven weeks. Another humbling experience and I am indebted to my boss, the friends and family who visited me inside and the whole medical team for getting me back on my feet again.

“Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.” Jules de Gaultier

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Or watch a YouTube version of the Hypomanic video book trailer at
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  1. Thank you for your courage.

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